In the Midst of Chaos there is Clarity and Other Bullshit

I've spent the majority of the weekend remaking my balloon video (which I realize is still not posted. I will put the most recent version on the web today or tomorrow). In the most recent version, I made a longer "dress" of balloons. Also, I wore a nude tank top and nylons as a base, verses a black tank top and black leggings. The nude colored undergarments emphasized the "dress" aspect of the balloon outfit, transforming it into a real garment.

The idea of the over-inflated, difficult to wear garment started to wear on my mind. As women, we put ourselves through physical rigors to wear the latest uncomfortable fashions. We buy expensive, non-practical clothing because it is beautiful, not because of it's comfort. I think my balloon dress is speaking to the difficulties and the impracticalities of dressing.

At the end of the video, I take of the dress and leave it in the frame. I have relaxed into my "natural state" and no longer have to negotiate the ridiculous fashion of the day. I leave the dress with it's own debris. They deserve each other.

Stills of the debris.

Things I learned this weekend: The Gold Nuggets

Dear Friends. I am writing to tell you what I have learned over the course of the weekend. I am choosing to see all of this wonderful new information as nuggets of gold that I have inherited after many hours of endurance... not as the product of blood, sweat and yes....tears.

Balloons: can be found at any one of these stores: Jo Anne's, Target, Dollar Store and CVS. They range in size and color. A lot have HAPPY BIRTHDAY written on them. If you're lucky, they have multiple packs in stock. Balloons make your fingers very dry and dirty. And as a result of having dry dirty fingers, sometimes they bleed. I BLED FOR ART this weekend, people. Seriously.


Video Equipment: There are new JVC HD video camera's available at the cage. Please note that very few people know how to use these cameras, so you will be left to your own devices. That being said, I figured out that...to put the camera in full manual mode you need to press down the full auto button for just a moment, not for a long time, not twice. Just a moment. Also, you cannot record video unless you have a 16GB class 6 card. Not a class 4 or a 8 GB class 10 (if you buy this card from Best Buy, open it up, cut the packaging and try it out and then realize it is worthless, Best Buy will take it back!!!!). The 16 GB class 6 card are not available at Best Buy.

Canon 5D Mark 11. This camera might have saved my life. Scratch might and replace with did. It takes three buttons to make a video and I could use the 4 GB Extreme 111 card I already had. The buttons to happiness are (1) the button to the left of the viewfinder changes switches the camera into liveview/video mode (2) The button to the right of the viewfinder label AF auto focuses on your subject enabling you to shoot (3) The set button, or the button in the middle of the dial begins recording. Leave some time at the end of the video before you stop recording, if you don't you might not be able to view the footage at the end of your recording. After about a minute of idling, the camera automatically changes back to camera mode. All of these things were generally easy to do once I figured them out was generally very easy to use. The audio is adequate. I highly recommend experimenting.

Studio and after hours:You can sign up for after hours up to an hour before it's time to turn your keys in, but you must look very desperate and sad to pull this off, so plan ahead if you don't want to put your defeated face on. After hours on Saturday means that I had access to the studio all Sat. night and all day Sunday. WONDERFUL!!! This also meant that I need to arrive at school by 7:30 to return everything I checked out. Note: You do not have to leave your strobes set up for inspection. In fact, nobody checks your studio. Your keys are due to the 3rd Floor cage by 7:30, not the 4th Floor like you would expect. Then you should turn in your studio equipment around 7:45. Immediately after this, head down to the 3rd floor cage and turn in your camera equipment. You must do all of this in that order to not get docked. They do not tell you any of this in the cage "orientation."

I hope this was informational for all my RIT co-patriots. Carry on soldiers.

Tracey Emin: Thoughts on her most recent show

My love for Tracey Emin continues to grow by the handfuls, so I was thrilled when she was showing at the same time I was in NYC. She showed in the Lower East Side, it was my mother and I's only reason for venturing that far down into the city... other then Katz's Deli and their pastrami sandwich and homemade pickles....

Her show situated itself on the wall and took on 3 of her classic forms of working, printmaking, embroidery on fabric, and neon word signs. I walked quickly past her prints, looking into each one of them but failing to take any interest.The subject matter: Emin's vagina rendered in a very sloppy way, often accompanied by backwards words. They were all the same, reinforcing an idea she has been working and reworking for many years. The prints are no longer surprising or edgy, but redundant. I moved on. What caught my eye was a large scale tapestry.


photo taken with a iPhone... sorry for the quality.

I admired the beauty, the craftsmanship, the intricacy and the obviously restraint. I loved how the essence of Emin's thoughts were contained in this one piece.

Nothing touches...with flowers splaying forth from her. Emin may be in the white dress but nobody asked her to get in it. She is wearing it but it has nothing to do with be married. In fact, it has everything to do with not being married, not being in love and not being content.

But perhaps this isn't Emin's point. Maybe it's mine and she got their first. Lately, I've been working out the notion of female desire to have it all; high powered career, kids, husband, friends, sex life, physical perfection, money, home. Enim is certainly desirous... but she admits that she doesn't have it all. In fact, it seems that what Emin has in spades is repetitive, deep-sewn anger. And I'm am increasingly interested in where that came from, not only in Emin, but in women in general. In a time where women can have it all, what are we missing?

Wanting to Want: Musings on Desire

Thoughts in Process: Thoughts on Process: Thoughts for Progress:

The follow words are written to help my class visualize what I am trying to produce over the next few weeks. I am including the process, origination of ideas and thoughts on the end product. Settle in. I hope you enjoy.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/29/magazine/29sex-t.html?_r=1&scp=1&sq=Women who want to want&st=cse

I read an article over break about women who want to want….. sex. The article emphasized desire as a media construction, and arousal as the real sexual feeling that most women experience. So this desire, this highly sexualized personae modern women are supposed to employ, with fancy outfits and fun sex toys could all be modern marketing ploys. But even if we are aware that the media creates this expectation, we can still want it. This article, about a modern myth forced on a modern women, reminds me very much of Betty Freidan’s Feminine Mystic and the modern equivalents of the issues she raised in her liberating (at the time) novel.

So I have started creating work in relation to this idea, materializing it, breathing into it and hopefully helping to demystify desire. I am hand-stitching I want to want I wish I wanted, repeatedly onto my slip, the slip I wear underneath my dresses and smells like me. From far away, the slip looks like a delicately decorative undergarment meant to entice. But when you read the words, I hope the hesitation comes across.

I see the slip being a piece by itself, but I also hope it becomes a character in a view and a large scale photograph. The video would involve me as the subject in the garment. The environment with be close cropped but warm and inviting, sexual in nature. I see myself tracing the words that I have taken hours to stitch on the garment, taking my time as I trace the words with my fingers. I hope the whole experience with encapsulate the juxtaposition between the words and the action, showing the tug of war that is occurring between wanting desire and having it.

I also see this as a photograph, large scale and imposing in its nature. The images in my mind right now are both alluring and at the same time create very strict barriers of what is possible. The garment entices but the words repel. I want to create that in the photograph as well…. more thoughts on this as they come to me.

Is this issue personal? Wanting to want. Thinking I should want. Being pressured to want. These are all issues I think about regularly in regards to my personal choices my artistic output. The issue of being told you want something, believing you should want something, and thing then not wanting it is a powerful issue in my life, especially in regards to my role as a female. In a lifetime when women can “have it all” what can I really have? What is really possible in the expanses of just one person? Because really, it’s just me and I only have one lifetime. So how do I choose what to want?

A new idea: digital work in progress

The are digital proofs of works that I hope will become touchable objects. I have taken my grandmothers linens that she embroidered upon and careful kept in perfect condition, and essentially, destroying them. I am destroying by re-appropriating. Right now I am working with modern media images from magazines that show that tug or war modern women play in today's society. Are we sex icons, working women, wives, mothers, housekeepers, warriors? Are we everything. Or really, are all our "selves" completely and completely washing away a true identity.

I find the embroidered linens to be the perfect canvas for a exploration of self. Made in a time where women had few options, the product of their lifestyle came through in standardized crafting... embroidery, sewing, knitting. All of which have recently been reclaimed by the DIY generation. But their is a sadness in these linens. They were made and used sparingly. Treasured but rarely admired. And so I blend the modern with the old. A newly trendy act with it's standardized origins. Combining visual imagery with handmade object, I hope to use craft to create art. I hope to emphasize our modern access to many choices on the canvas of a time where they were far less options. I hope to bring two words together and show how things are still sort of the same.

Body Shots....ya know.

Just wanted to add context. I was using my high contrast lights... so the light is a little intense. My apologies.

Some inspiration: Look and love.

http://www.joettamaue.com/index.html
I love the intimacy of the imagery and the way she embroiders as if she is drawing.
http://www.joychristiansen.com/index.html
I'm fascinated by the way Christiansen combines image with text and object. It's pretty much the epitome of what I'm working towards.
http://historically-inaccurate.blogspot.com/
I love the way Saja stitches and the canvas he chooses to use. I'm looking at a lot of embroidery and textile art lately. I'm finding that the more tactile oriented arts are driving my ideas towards an increasingly focused point.
http://www.calebcolephoto.com/pages/one/one.html
I love the humor and compassion that Cole embodies by wearing other people's clothes.
http://www.feelingstitchy.com/
Simply fun.
http://www.donaldyoung.com/mcelheny/josiah_mcelheny_index.html
I get lost in McElheny's pieces. They are beyond beautiful. Beyond sensual. Just beyond....